I can’t ever seem to get it right. No matter how hard I seem to try to stand on positive ground with a good outlook on the day and life, I inevitably fall flat on my face. I normally start my day between 4:30 and 5:00am. After I get a cup of coffee and go outside to smoke my first morning cigarette, I sit down on the porch and pray that I will have a good day. For the most part, I do. Since the last month or so, no matter how much I pray and ask for help in my personal life and situation, I get pushed down. I am filled with such anger and confusion. I don’t know what to do anymore. Dose GOD and those closet to me hate me and want to see me fail that badly? I am at the point in my life that I ask myself ” is all of my diligence and hard work really worth all of this headache, stress, confusion and, constant failure”? Don’t get me wrong, I do not and will not accept failure as an option. I DO NOT give up. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like a lost soul that will never find it’s way. I go to church every Sunday morning and bible study every Sunday night, I give the shirt off of my back to complete strangers and, give my last dollar to make sure that most ends are met but yet, I still manage to fail. Is this ever going to end? People say that good things come to those who wait and that no good deed goes undone. I’m beginning to wonder how true all of that really is. I know I’m not perfect and may never be rich but DAMN IT!!!!!!!! I just want to be happy and content. After all of my hard work, diligent efforts and good deeds, I think I deserve at least that much. I’m tired of being angry and frustrated because I can’t ever seem to get ahead no matter what. After all of this being said, please understand that I’m not looking for a pity party nor do I have self pity.
In conclusion, all I want is to be happy and to have someone (whether it be friends, family, god or, all of the above) to help me pick myself up when I fall.